Wednesday, December 31, 2008



Who is willing to look at the being without turning away, and continue to stand there unflinching? Not moving a muscle, or turning to excuses, as their identification with ego is being gutted, piece by piece?

Who among the masses will show resolve in the story - resolve enough to approach this immolation with bravery and with a firm resolve?

A resolve so strong that it is willing to look directly at the ego, directly at the patterns, directly at the life being lived without blinding their own eyes to what is seen.

To the darkness - bubbled up and then (typically) separated - pushed back down, ignored, given the back seat.

Who is willing to no longer play into the separation of seemingly good and seemingly bad?

Who has had their fill with the false identity and the faulty identifications to such a degree, that they are willing to drop each and every poltergeist no matter how much it screams?

Who is willing to stand in place and accept the brand? The brand on the body and the mind and the psyche that were never yours to begin with? The branding, the pain, the intensity virtually the only way to rid you of that lie and awaken you to the truth that you are not that lump, that battlefield of contradictions, that horror story with no happy ending in sight?

Who is willing to stand in that inferno - no matter how scorching the fire?

Story, no doubt. You, a bit player. But resolve in the story - as it arises - is music to the universe.

The surrendered resolve of the entity in the narrative is the soundtrack the universe desires. The hymn to be playing in the background as IT takes you on a guided tour of the Heart of Darkness.

Who is willing?

And how can this be accomplished?

It is always accomplished - through death and rebirth.

No matter how quick and painless.

No matter how drawn out and torturous.

How can the entity allow it to be accomplished in either scenario?

How, exactly, is that done?

By signing the warrant, with the universe as notary - the warrant for the demolition of your image.

Of your supposed identity.

And then by bravely standing by as the mute but willing witness at your very own execution.

Who is willing?

Monday, February 05, 2007

Experiential, not Truth

Question: back in the good ol days, i could really really see and feel and know exactly what it was like to be other people. like when i was talking to them, i would experience what they had/and were experiencing, see it from thier eyes, the good and the bad the sad and the happy.. all of if it. i would think technically, from your perspective, youd know/see/feel what it was like for any/every person you'd come into contact with. perhaps you dont need to focus on 'doing' that all the time, but when the time calls for it, isnt it doable or already being done with in you? like if someone were to tell you about some time, some event they went through, cant you see what they saw and feel what they felt when you listen real good? it seems like when all you are doing is listening, that all that seeing feeling knowing happens automatically, and you just see it all go by. perhaps you have some twist on this, as you dont need to pay attention to that anymore, or something. but does what i described happen, or, can you do it, or whatever? im just asking.

What you are describing has nothing to do with enlightenment, or with waking up. It is an experiential manifestation that can happen to the character in the narrative. This might be something the entity encounters on the way to waking up, but it is nothing more than an experience – and not a necessary one at all to enter into enlightenment. Even once enlightenment occurs, this sort of manifestation may still continue to a character whose story requires it. Or it may even develop within the character for the first time after that point. However, what you described most certainly is not enlightenment. There are times when I sense matters with people I am discussing things with, and if moved, I bring them up. But other than those most obvious of instances, it is certainly not something that I engage in actively.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Swimming in the complete illusion of your narrative

Sharon is a student of mine who broke through into truth realization on October 10th of 2006. She recently composed the following exercise:

Click on the link. Hear the song. Read the words below. At once. Don't rush. Read the words with the music…Let it flow.

You live. You are swimming in the complete illusion of your narrative. You think it's you, your full identity, and you know nothing more. In moments it all seems fine…. Then begins the disassembling of all you have ever known, and the recognition of what you were calling you. The machine. You recognize that all you have ever known is this machine you called you. You see it's parts arising, reacting, urging you to continue in its patterns, to feed it, to keep it alive. Doors beging to open and revolve as you begin to get glimpses of what is beyond, or better yet what's always been there. You see the machine more and more clearly each day, that the idea of you falls apart a little bit more, each day you recognize that this machine isn't you a little more clearly, each day the machine fights to keep you in the mentality it's been trained to keep you in. Now you're watching the machine work. Your watching the life it's created unfold. Your watching what these patterns create and the reactions this arises in the world. The voice speaks the mannerisms its always known, the way you were misidentified, it was only carrying out what it knew to do, this misidentification, because you kept telling it, this is who you are, this is where you were fine. But your not. Now you know, now you realize you are not fine. Then begin to arise deeper truths. This energy, this stillness that you've only briefly known, begins to sink in perspective. First floats around you, then penetrates your being into its depths and takes hold. You know you are not this machine, just a moving corpse. You know you are not just the dramas, the troubles, the joys. You are not the emotions arising. You know you are not the thoughts. Spinning realizations. Spinning vibrations run through your veins, inflate them, swell into your being, and when you feel you are about to explode…you surrender. You surrender to this new unknown that arises, to every lie, to every truth, illusion, to everything that you've ever known and you give in to this new form of formlessness that arises. The vibration penetrates you deep, and arises perspectives you have never known, yet always known. The voice tries to speak, but it is now faint in the distance. The heart beats this feeling, gets nervous in the anticipation that within its depths knows is finally arising. Spinning fury of unwinding the illusions begins. Then it snaps, it shakes you free, in an instant, time stops and you know what it is to be completely free. Then you begin to arise again, recognize this world again, and it feels like you are being lifted again, and the world never known like before. Watching in a new weird oneness all unfold. All is arising right infront of you, with you. And you realize, you and everything are one. You are none. All is energy. At first it arises with emotions, with the residue ideas of what you thought you were, and you feel like you are still being torn apart. And you are. At least what you thought you were. Other times it feels like your stuck in some movie projection or video game you can't get out of, but then… begins that constant tapping into this depth you've always been. That's when you feel the spinning plates going in full revolution. When a feeling of liberation becomes so alive. You feel the movement of everything around you, of everything unfolding,everthing arising… and when still enough, everything, even the idea of you, is still enough to just watch. You just flow. You flow with everything. Arise with everything. It's dropping all resistance. Letting all flow, letting all go. Letting yourself die and be reborn, while knowing you never die, and you never are reborn. Again. Again. and Again. Let it flow.

" While you make pretty speeches
I'm being cut to shreds
You feed me to the lions
A delicate balance

And this just feels like spinning plates
I'm living in cloud cuckoo land
And this just feels like spinning plates
My body is floating down the muddy river"

So remember, It will make pretty little speeches. You will be cut to shreds. You will be fed to the lions. It is all a delicate balance (even when in chaotic collision). This is a cuckoo land. But let it spin through. Let it flow. Please, no matter what. Remember. Let it flow.

Guided Tour of Purgatory

This writing was done by one of my students who recently broke through. The words were put together during the period of unwinding, where he was facing what was false head-on. It was not easy. It was not pretty. It is, however, virtually impossible to become truth realized without passing through this particular Valley of Death - among others:

…the fact is, I don't really know "myself" anymore. Most would take this as some sort of psycho-babble bullshit, but the fact is, I really don't know who "I" am, even though, just like Winnie the Pooh asking Rabbit for some Honey, I have had some taste of IT. Yeah, I know all the spiritual teachers talk in their highly idealized and profound "non-dual speak" about this sort of thing, but I am not viewing this "world" from their lofty position so, on some level, it seems to be more difficult to explain.

From a practical perspective, I am a hunking mass of genetic material made to be a 6' 4", 250lb male human being. If you were to visit me, you would most likely find me to be quite appealing. This person is generally friendly, I hate no one, I have all the past accolades of a "good boy", I have all the past scars of a "bad boy", I have a good job and am probably in the top 1% of income earners in the States, I have a cute house, and many friends.

Having listed these things, you must know that really and truly - none of them bring me any sense of real peace or mean much of anything. I only listed them because I was asked.

What is important and meaningful to me has largely come about as the result of some "outside-me" experiences over the past year and a half that have brought light to all my known experiences. In a very short period of time, I have been catapulted into this whole business of "Spiritual Enlightenment" - God, I hate that term - makes me cringe. It's as overused as "at the end of the day", or "like", or "you know" or "'insert doublespeak here'"…I digress…

It's as if I took the "red pill" (is that the right one?) and instead of instantly being teleported into Awareness, I have had bits and pieces of it shown to me, bit by bit. The past 15 months has been akin to a striptease - over this time all the clothes have come off and I wanna reach out and grab "IT", but I KNOW that would be DOING something and there is nothing I can DO to make "IT" happen.

Think of me as being stuck in purgatory at the moment, very near the "Exit" sign - and - while IT has ITs moments more often now than not - the darkness has been quite debilitating. There is NO peace, love, joy, bliss or Unity Consciousness when the Emptiness is met face-to-face. This makes me think - after reading some of your very loving and sweet journals - that I'm in the wrong place. I am getting dumber and dumber with each passing day….and that's a good thing.

Oh well, the Universe is having ITs way with me again, that's fine. I'm ITs Bitch in a very beautiful way…

I have tried to find someone who is writing about something similar to this entity's experience - but alas, I am alone in this hell-hole. Hence, maybe some of this may creep you out - maybe not.

You know I want love, peace, bliss and all that stuff like the rest of you. I want to save the whales, save a tree and save a buck. I use biodiesel and recycle like a freak. I'm well educated and know enough about the horrors of mankind to have shed many a tear. I am generally a "good" person, well-liked by most.

So why the f*ck is THIS not going so smoothly? By "THIS" of course I mean "this path" - this foray into the unknown realm of "Spiritual Enlightenment". I'm not trying to be a "shock jock" nor do I have any interest in offending any of you kind people. But damn, this sucks the big one.

What I am talking about here is this unrelenting feeling of dread and anxiety. All this in the midst of doing "nothing". Sitting with this feeling is like having an M1A Abrams tank parking itself on my chest. This feeling comes and go, but when it comes, it comes with a vengeance. Really and truly it has and still does make me want to puke.

As it turns out, I have been on this path for some time, but not in the way most of you seem to be. I only heard the names/phrases/terms about "Unity Consciousness", "Spiritual Enlightenment", "Arjuna", "the Witness", "Awareness"…you getting the picture…about 13 months ago. I have read Wilber, Paramahansa Yogananda, Millman, Wilde, Tolle, Burnham, McKenna, Marion, Goldsmith, Hawkins, Fox, Chopra, Grabhorn, Freke and, for a little entertainment, "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader" all in the past year. I'm not stating this for any sort of trophy at the end of the Enlightenment Finish Line - I'm simply stating that I have been on a "Crash and BURN BURN BURN" course of "THIS PERSON IS NOT REAL". Talk about a mind-f*ck!

Of course, when this started, I was in a place where I had no where else to go and this whole gig looked appealing with titles like, The Simple Feeling of Being, Integral Psychology, The Ecstatic Journey, Lucid Living, Infinite Self, Everyday Enlightenment, Sudden Awakening, Conscious Union with God, etc etc…. Some of these actually touch on the "trip", but seem to spend more time selling the arrival. I'm not criticizing them really, because if they did spend more time talking about the trip - NO ONE WOULD WANT TO TAKE THE TRIP. I've seen enough people going through alcohol and drug rehab to know that this trip is worse.

The only stuff that seemed to be close to my experience was that of Jed McKenna's books and he isn't even real! But I will say that what is listed in those books is very, very, VERY REAL. Especially in the second: Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment. The "Julie" emails listed therein are close to being real although mine would have a bunch more swear words. AND, if I had "written" letters back to the character "Jed" they would have been dotted with tears and snot.

Getting back to "the appealing part" - it would seem that most of you are already on the other side based on what you all seem to talk about. Are you all enlightened beings? I don't know what the hell that really is supposed to mean but it would seem that all the "greats" talk about some sort of transcendental event that propels (ok, it's there already so there's no REAL movement, I know) - or rather shifts - one's perspective to that of the Universe/Unity Consciousness/blah blah. Again, are you all there cuz you sure talk about this love and bliss stuff as if you were and I want some pointers.

Intelectually I get it - I understand. Experiencially I have had numerous "f"'d up things happen - and by "f"d up - they felt pretty damn cool - most of them. I had one very bizarre "kensho"/out-of-body experience that freaked the crap out of me because I have never really believed these things happen. Oh, and by the way, none of this stuff happened with any sort of "chemicals" - I'm sure any hippies understand what I am saying. No, all this happened sober - clean. No use here for any of that stuff - I had done enough of all that years ago.

The absolute worst part of all this is that there is no going back. Ego is going, going, gone - not much is left. That little tiny bit though has caused a shit storm for me, off an on now for a couple months. Most of the rest of my life is peaceful.

Do not be misled, though. Spiritual Enlightenment, Unity Consciousness and all the other "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" phrases are nothing more than doublespeak for DEATH OF EGO.

Sorry for the newsflash….but not really - I could use a few other walking-dead folks to bitch with…

168 hrs

Question: Describe your week. How are the 168 hours allocated?

Don’t do anything. And when it comes to what David does, all I can say is - not much.
I do not work very much – I only teach for my professional position about eight hours a week, sometimes less. The remainder of the time, for the most part, is spent walking. I walk all over my city. That was an activity I was involved in for decades, and it has remained and it’s importance, if you can call it that, deepened. It is not important, as such, it is just something I enjoy and easily get into. A rhythm is easily formed, especially as I use a lot of the same long routes – no surface mind figuring is needed ‘Do I turn left or right’ etc. Rather early on, everything deepens with the human, the energy is allowed to saturate. It is a great way to start out the days – though it takes me longer to get going and out there on the trails as time goes by. And there isn’t the energy within the organism to go as far as I used to. I used to write a lot, ready a lot – and I used to watch movies constantly. All that is gone now. Life, or rather, the universe - while simply this one ongoing moment - just sort of passes before the screen. No outer activity is really needed. It wasn’t before, and I see now how much of it was filler. Even distractions. I can be around when the TV is on, and actually enjoy programs. But sitting around the house without it on – or even the mood music or incense or things that I used to have going – they are seen as the unnecessary tagged-on things they truly are. Nothing really is needed at all. I talk about these things to the smallest handful of people, that takes up some time. I’m almost at a loss to think of much else. The days go by, I don’t even keep much track of them. That there are 168 hours is surprising to me – I did not know that until you write the number in your question. I do not have a watch or a day planner. I do not watch the news. I know when I need to be to work, and to meetings. That is about it. The rest is pretty much up in the air.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

What "You've" Got

When it comes to attachment, the point in the final analysis ends up being that the ego will throw any and all things up there to distract. This happens throughout life, but it manifests itself in a particularly forceful way when it comes to any last ditch effort to “derail” one who is on the verge of awakening. This was the case with T. in the article “Wurds”. Of course, the entire matter of attachments is all a part of the story - an essential portion of the narrative. All unfolds perfectly. With T., the words were his “final” attachment. And because he had so clung to them, and so “owned” and derived “his” sense of spirituality from the words and his proficiency at using them - trouble arose at the end.

Attachment, or even ownership, can and does happen with anything. It is a part of it all, a part of the whole unfolding. And as a result, attachment is rampant. When confronted with this fact, few want to look past their attachments and into the depths to discover the core. Especially if it means having to allow the dismantling those mechanisms of ownership in order to do so. It seems that this is the case even with many (or most) who are “on spiritual paths”. But again, even that is all a part of it. Life has to come to a critical mass for most in order for these mechanisms to finally be gotten under once and for all. Yes, trouble arose for T. But that trouble - that final attachment to words - in the end became the very ground for his liberation. How often it is that the very thing one dreads the most, one is attached to the most, one fears the most, is, in actuality, The Doorway ITself.

The thing in particular with words - when it comes to all matters spiritual - is that language does, of course, tend to be one of the primary means of trying to convey truth. And in comparison to the 'reality' of that truth attempting to be conveyed, words are far too narrow. They quite simply are not nearly as splendid, as awesome, as stark or as all-encompassing as a communication means must necessarily be need in order to accomplish such a incomprehensible feat.

But you work with what you've got.

It is the same with attachments, ownership, habits. “Work” with what you've got. “Try” to get under them, but not by “doing” anything about them in order to open. Do not necessarily jump in and try to stop, change or alter your patterns as a starting place. Instead, make it more of a point to observe them as they arise. Watch them the moment they start to bubble up in cognizance. Ask the question ‘Where are they coming from?', and then ask ‘Why are they being followed?' Let this become a continuous, moment by moment outlook. One that can become an effective introductory way to lead you into a deeper direct “experiential understanding” of just perception.


One of the most pressing issues to be discussed in these article is the trap of words. It can not be stressed ENOUGH just how inadequate they are - along with any mentally constructed frameworks - in relaying the ineffable. Yet often, this is all we have to use as a steering mechanism in an attempt to ‘describe', or even give the slightest flavor, to truth in a relative manner. The universe is hilarious. Just Perception introduces the fact that it is All There Is, and then makes anything less than direct experience a pale shadow when it comes to relaying such a devastating fact as “information”. Often I use the quotes around “I” or “practice” etc., and it causes a laugh on this end almost every time. Add quotes - leave quotes off - capitalize Truth, don't capitalize truth - it can be very funny.

And yet it can also be a huge distraction. For some, getting past this distraction of words, is the final step.

I once had a student - T. He has given me permission to share this, as well as aspects of our work together, which was all through correspondence. T., before he finally awakened, had been extremely involved in practice for twenty years before our paths crossed. During the latter portion of that time, T. had become heavily ensconced in non-dual schools of thought. He was extremely well versed, could quote the teachers like a pro (usually at the expense - at the time at least - of providing his own direct insight or experience) and was a master of Non-DualSpeak, par excelance. (You can find examples of this type of referring to truth on many websites and books, so I will not give a sampling here.) The point is, the words were markers, and T. had fallen in love with those words, and his mastery of them (by his own admission further on). Unfortunately, all of that focus on the phraseology rather than what it was truly directing toward, had gotten T. stuck. He loved non-dual lingo and phraseology to such a degree, that his time was usually spent with others ‘talking the talk'. The walk, it seemed, had left him long before - though it hadn't, it only appeared that way in the narrative. And that is truly where his obsession with words had begun in the first place.

What was actually going on was that T., after two decades, was exhausted. There had been little to no illumination in all of that time. The few breakthroughs and near insights were smaller, and over the years fading into the distance. He felt very dry and barren overall. T. ‘knew' something more 'existed' - it was beyond mere thought or book knowledge. It had been tasted briefly. Yet at the same time, the opening had not been complete. As a result, he felt abandoned. And quite frankly, he figured he was stranded between the world of form and the ineffable - with little to no hope (at his lowest point) of transcending either.

In his frustration, T. turned to devotion of the words. If ‘he' couldn't ‘know' truth at any depth beyond thought, he would use the words as his worldview alone. He secretly hoped that by speaking and interacting using the non-dual patterns as his basis, the universe would at some point open up.

This opening can be the case, and would therefor be the primary reason why non-dual teachers who are genuine teach the way they do. It seems to work for certain people, and for others does not always bring about the deepest of revelations.

For T., the words became an addiction. By basing more energy upon thought, and the structures of verbalization, he ended up blinder for a while than he ever had been before in his life. This could have happened with any approach. I am not just singling out non-dual parlance, though I have seen this go on a number of times in such settings (as I have with other settings as well, to be perfectly fair.) Still, that is exactly how it was meant to play out. The universe ended up using the words to eventually pull the carpet out from under T. when he finally saw how futile this pursuit of truth through markers alone had been.

I am providing this introduction to T. and to his situation with words because a number of articles are going to approach this issue. What this topic truly hopes to stress is the need for vigilance in rooting out every form of attachment - even if the ownership to be dismantled is to the very manner in which truth is attempting to be ‘sought' by the entity right then and there. This goes especially for any attachment to words, which can never ever, when all is 'said' and done, fully describe the depth of Just Perception.