This writing was done by one of my students who recently broke through. The words were put together during the period of unwinding, where he was facing what was false head-on. It was not easy. It was not pretty. It is, however, virtually impossible to become truth realized without passing through this particular Valley of Death - among others:
…the fact is, I don't really know "myself" anymore. Most would take this as some sort of psycho-babble bullshit, but the fact is, I really don't know who "I" am, even though, just like Winnie the Pooh asking Rabbit for some Honey, I have had some taste of IT. Yeah, I know all the spiritual teachers talk in their highly idealized and profound "non-dual speak" about this sort of thing, but I am not viewing this "world" from their lofty position so, on some level, it seems to be more difficult to explain.
From a practical perspective, I am a hunking mass of genetic material made to be a 6' 4", 250lb male human being. If you were to visit me, you would most likely find me to be quite appealing. This person is generally friendly, I hate no one, I have all the past accolades of a "good boy", I have all the past scars of a "bad boy", I have a good job and am probably in the top 1% of income earners in the States, I have a cute house, and many friends.
Having listed these things, you must know that really and truly - none of them bring me any sense of real peace or mean much of anything. I only listed them because I was asked.
What is important and meaningful to me has largely come about as the result of some "outside-me" experiences over the past year and a half that have brought light to all my known experiences. In a very short period of time, I have been catapulted into this whole business of "Spiritual Enlightenment" - God, I hate that term - makes me cringe. It's as overused as "at the end of the day", or "like", or "you know" or "'insert doublespeak here'"…I digress…
It's as if I took the "red pill" (is that the right one?) and instead of instantly being teleported into Awareness, I have had bits and pieces of it shown to me, bit by bit. The past 15 months has been akin to a striptease - over this time all the clothes have come off and I wanna reach out and grab "IT", but I KNOW that would be DOING something and there is nothing I can DO to make "IT" happen.
Think of me as being stuck in purgatory at the moment, very near the "Exit" sign - and - while IT has ITs moments more often now than not - the darkness has been quite debilitating. There is NO peace, love, joy, bliss or Unity Consciousness when the Emptiness is met face-to-face. This makes me think - after reading some of your very loving and sweet journals - that I'm in the wrong place. I am getting dumber and dumber with each passing day….and that's a good thing.
Oh well, the Universe is having ITs way with me again, that's fine. I'm ITs Bitch in a very beautiful way…
I have tried to find someone who is writing about something similar to this entity's experience - but alas, I am alone in this hell-hole. Hence, maybe some of this may creep you out - maybe not.
You know I want love, peace, bliss and all that stuff like the rest of you. I want to save the whales, save a tree and save a buck. I use biodiesel and recycle like a freak. I'm well educated and know enough about the horrors of mankind to have shed many a tear. I am generally a "good" person, well-liked by most.
So why the f*ck is THIS not going so smoothly? By "THIS" of course I mean "this path" - this foray into the unknown realm of "Spiritual Enlightenment". I'm not trying to be a "shock jock" nor do I have any interest in offending any of you kind people. But damn, this sucks the big one.
What I am talking about here is this unrelenting feeling of dread and anxiety. All this in the midst of doing "nothing". Sitting with this feeling is like having an M1A Abrams tank parking itself on my chest. This feeling comes and go, but when it comes, it comes with a vengeance. Really and truly it has and still does make me want to puke.
As it turns out, I have been on this path for some time, but not in the way most of you seem to be. I only heard the names/phrases/terms about "Unity Consciousness", "Spiritual Enlightenment", "Arjuna", "the Witness", "Awareness"…you getting the picture…about 13 months ago. I have read Wilber, Paramahansa Yogananda, Millman, Wilde, Tolle, Burnham, McKenna, Marion, Goldsmith, Hawkins, Fox, Chopra, Grabhorn, Freke and, for a little entertainment, "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader" all in the past year. I'm not stating this for any sort of trophy at the end of the Enlightenment Finish Line - I'm simply stating that I have been on a "Crash and BURN BURN BURN" course of "THIS PERSON IS NOT REAL". Talk about a mind-f*ck!
Of course, when this started, I was in a place where I had no where else to go and this whole gig looked appealing with titles like, The Simple Feeling of Being, Integral Psychology, The Ecstatic Journey, Lucid Living, Infinite Self, Everyday Enlightenment, Sudden Awakening, Conscious Union with God, etc etc…. Some of these actually touch on the "trip", but seem to spend more time selling the arrival. I'm not criticizing them really, because if they did spend more time talking about the trip - NO ONE WOULD WANT TO TAKE THE TRIP. I've seen enough people going through alcohol and drug rehab to know that this trip is worse.
The only stuff that seemed to be close to my experience was that of Jed McKenna's books and he isn't even real! But I will say that what is listed in those books is very, very, VERY REAL. Especially in the second: Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment. The "Julie" emails listed therein are close to being real although mine would have a bunch more swear words. AND, if I had "written" letters back to the character "Jed" they would have been dotted with tears and snot.
Getting back to "the appealing part" - it would seem that most of you are already on the other side based on what you all seem to talk about. Are you all enlightened beings? I don't know what the hell that really is supposed to mean but it would seem that all the "greats" talk about some sort of transcendental event that propels (ok, it's there already so there's no REAL movement, I know) - or rather shifts - one's perspective to that of the Universe/Unity Consciousness/blah blah. Again, are you all there cuz you sure talk about this love and bliss stuff as if you were and I want some pointers.
Intelectually I get it - I understand. Experiencially I have had numerous "f"'d up things happen - and by "f"d up - they felt pretty damn cool - most of them. I had one very bizarre "kensho"/out-of-body experience that freaked the crap out of me because I have never really believed these things happen. Oh, and by the way, none of this stuff happened with any sort of "chemicals" - I'm sure any hippies understand what I am saying. No, all this happened sober - clean. No use here for any of that stuff - I had done enough of all that years ago.
The absolute worst part of all this is that there is no going back. Ego is going, going, gone - not much is left. That little tiny bit though has caused a shit storm for me, off an on now for a couple months. Most of the rest of my life is peaceful.
Do not be misled, though. Spiritual Enlightenment, Unity Consciousness and all the other "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" phrases are nothing more than doublespeak for DEATH OF EGO.
Sorry for the newsflash….but not really - I could use a few other walking-dead folks to bitch with…